Funny Status

I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something :)

Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me.

Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won :)

Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never help in VIVA & INTERVIEW.

Try to say the letter "M" without your lips touching.

Years of education , solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.

The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is “Salary is Credited” :)

Why do single women take advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.

I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :) :D

Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you are fat..

Secrets Of Pizza, Pasta,Burger, French Fries: "Few moments on your Lips, Forever on your Hips.":p

Fact1: You can not touch Your lower lip with your tounge… Fact2: After reading this, 99/100 idiots would try it.

If people winked in real life as much as they wink in text, this world would be a very creepy place.

90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

My boss just said to me “You’ve been late five days this week… do you know what that means?” I certainly do – it’s FRIDAY!

Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

Please don’t say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your crotch.

Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.

It’s not hotter this year. It’s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.

Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens for Pizza emergencies

Weird is a side effect of awesome.

If I got paid to write witty funny statuses I would not be typing this right now

Dear Teacher, I talk to everyone, so moving my seat won't help. Sincerely, Student

Kim Kardashian is 32&she's pregnant, but y'all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy. And yall calling her a slut? PLEASE, have a seat.

Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance."-Alcohol

Making faces to a random baby when their parents aren't looking. like if you have ever done this.

This is the time every night where I try to convince myself that I will feel even better with 5 hours of sleep rather than 6.